Posted by: mizzdubya | August 5, 2009

You’re Gonna Love My Nuts

When I was younger, I went through a phase in which I had a lot of trouble falling asleep.  Luckily for me, Mom and Dad let me have a small TV in my room, which, in the era before all-digital broadcasting, meant that I had a wealth of TV stations at my bleary-eyed fingertips.  One of my very favorite things to watch in the wee hours of the morning were low-budget commercials and infomercials–the more awful they were, the better they were.

For example, who could forget the fabulous promises of “Pearl Cream?” (My favorite part–when the pitch-lady promises your money back if your friends don’t “insist” that you had a face lift.)

Now, there’s a new infomercial that has won my heart.  The first time I saw it I actually laughed out loud, because I thought it was a joke.  However, it is no joke.  It is a masterful combination of sales pitch and parody of sales pitch.  It is rich in double-entendres (“Don’t have boring tuna”), ridiculous rhymes (“linguine, fettucine, martini, bikini”) and over-the-top promises (“We’re going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time”).

Yes, that’s right.  I’m talking about the amazing commercial for the Slap Chop (remixed here for your pleasure).  If you haven’t seen it, GO RIGHT NOW.  It’s hilarious.  Thank you, Vince Offer, for brightening my otherwise dull tv-watching experience, and having a colorful biography to further amuse me.

Now stop having a boring life, and go slap your troubles away…

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Posted by: mizzdubya | July 30, 2009

On Lurking and Writing

I’m an inveterate blog lurker.   I have a cohort of blogs I read regularly, yet I almost never comment.  It’s hard to know why I don’t, but I just don’t.  I think part of it has to do with feeling like whatever I write, whatever I comment, will be ass.

Same goes for writing.  I used to write all the time as a kid–poems, stories, letters, etc.–but now, well, now I almost never write anything creative.  I almost never write, period.  Maybe it’s post-graduate school stress syndrome (is there such a thing?), maybe it’s a fear of sounding stupid, maybe it’s that my inner censor is stronger than my desire to write, maybe it’s because I’ve always sucked at keeping a journal of any sort–who knows why, just that I started a blog all excited about it, but now it’s hard for me to even post anything.  I guess part of the problem is that I’m not sure what I want this space to be.  I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone I know that I have a stupid little blog, but at the same time, reading other bloggers (I hesitate to even write “other bloggers,” as if I’m part of that universe, rather than a drive-by observer) makes me wish I was a part of that community.  I wish I could write so that people would want to read what I’ve written, I wish that I had an ongoing narrative that would engage others to read and respond, I just wish, I guess, to put my voice out into the ether and feel as if I were doing more than mumbling into a vacuum.

Ah, who knows.  Now I’m rambling.  I think I just need to go for a walk and clear my head.

Posted by: mizzdubya | July 9, 2009

Sapphic Sisters

Walking through the greenmarket with my baby sis yesterday, we were accosted by a gentleman proffering his CDs.  At first, when he shoved the CD towards me, I took it, thinking it was free.  Big mistake.  Turns out it out he was selling his tunes for $5 a CD, and my touching the jewel case meant that I was now his captive audience.  After saying the word “true” (as in it’s “true music” and “true feeling” and just “true”) about sixty million times in describing his music (a spiritual rock fusion, I believe he called it) he asked my sister and I were we lived.  We gave each other a look and laughed, as she gave the state, I gave the geographical area (as in ‘burbs), b/c not living in the city itself is usually cause for derision by the asker.

After a few “cools” and a “true” for good measure, the artist bobbed his head a few times, looks at me, gestures towards my sister, and says, “you should buy this for your girlfriend.  I’m all about singing for equality, equal rights and stuff.”

So my sister put her arm around me, gave me a squeeze, and “honeyed” me out of there.

Posted by: mizzdubya | June 19, 2009

Peacocks!

Driving home yesterday from end of the school year shenanigans, when I saw something amazing.  At first, I thought it was just a few of the wild turkeys that tend occassionally show up along my route, looking all cranky and out of sorts.  Then, after a really corny (yet entirely sincere) double-take, I realized that I wasn’t seeing wild turkeys, but peacocks.  Yes, peacocks!  Two (wild?) male peacocks strutting their stuff alongside the road.  I so doubted the veracity of my vision that I actually turned the car around, put my blinkers on, and slowed down alongside the little buggers.  I even took a picture with my phone, but haven’t uploaded it yet, which once I do, I will be sure to post, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I wasn’t hallucinating.  Next thing you know, I’ll be seeing unicorns…maybe for the first day of school in September?

Posted by: mizzdubya | May 31, 2009

Malapropalicious

In the course of our several week-long discussion and analysis of a novel for class, we discussed how a particular character was made a scapegoat.

I just received a batch of my students’ essays on the novel.  One particularly awesome gem:

“[The character in question] can therefore be called an ‘escape boat.'”

I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

Got it? 

Scapegoat = escape boat.

And no, the novel had nothing to do with water, the sea, boats, or anything vaguely maritime related.

Apparently the student had no idea what I was talking about all of those weeks….

Posted by: mizzdubya | April 17, 2009

Good Eats

From the greatest newsblurb EVAH:

     West Virginia held a bio-disaster dtrill this week to protect residents from a disease spread by eating roadkill. 
     The exercise in rural Hamlin simulated an outbreak of tularemia, which causes flu-like symptoms.
     It’s spread by ticks, and can be contracted from handling and eating the carcasses of rabbits, opossums, and squirrels.

Sadly, I do not know the source of this newsblurb.  It was a gift from my  husband, and it’s been tacked up on my fridge for several months, as a friendly reminder that no matter HOW good the squirrel tail I have tucked in the corner of my freezer looks, eating it is JUST NOT AN OPTION.

Sigh.

I KNEW I should have just made the critter into a hat, dammit.

Posted by: mizzdubya | April 16, 2009

God Bless Bureaucracy

So, I applied for this teacherly government programmy thing a while ago (got my application date stamped on exactly the very last day you could before being officially disqualified by the minions of Big Brother) and received back a very nice email from a person with an actual name, informing me that all was in order and that I would receive an answer by April 15th.

Well, here it is, April 16th, and no response.  Seems to me that I should get to disqualify their rejection, should it come, for being past the deadline.  “No, I’m sorry, I do not accept your rejection.  I was told I would be informed by April 15th, and since you failed to do so, I have decided that I was accepted, and while commence forthwith with said assumption.  Please have a pony and a chocolate mint waiting for me when I get there.”

I think that will work well, no?

Posted by: mizzdubya | April 1, 2009

Rabbit, Rabbit

Do you follow that superstition?  Saying “rabbit rabbit” right before you go to sleep on the last night of a month, and then first thing in the morning of the new month?

I’m vaguely superstitious (about really stupid things) and always mean to do it, but forget.  Then I have a vague uneasiness for the rest of the day that if something bad happens, its totally my fault because I forgot to say “rabbit rabbit.”

Christ.  I need to punch myself in the head.

Yesterday as I was driving to work I thought of something hilarious and was laughing to myself all the way in, thinking, “I should put it on my little bloglet.  The world needs to know of my hilariousness.”

Then I forgot it. 

So now you know that there was something hilarious out in the universe, lost forever to the dark, squishy recess of my swiss cheese brain.  Mmmm…cheese brains. 

Consider this your April cocktease.

Posted by: mizzdubya | March 31, 2009

WWFD?*

When husband’s alarm went off this morning, I dreamed it was the sound Phil Simms was making as he was installing granite countertops in someone’s kitchen.

I’m not sure what to make of that.

*What Would Freud Do?

Posted by: mizzdubya | March 23, 2009

Slutsky

So far one person has taken a look at my blog.  Hello one person!  I hope you enjoyed your visit.  Would you like a cup of tea?  A homemade cookie?  A lock of my hair as a sort of memento mori, just without me being dead?  Wait…don’t go!   We could play with my collection of tiny unicorn figurines.  I’ll even let you be the supermagicallydelicious Pink Princess Sparkle Unicorn.  I thought we could be forever friends. 

I guess I’ll just have to figure out a way to work the phrase copulating rhinoceros into every post.  I’m sure there has to be some sort of fetish market for that…

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